2009 Reflections
I can’t believe 2009 is coming to an end. I think I say this at the end of every year but anyway…
In many ways, this has been an enormous year of growth for me … though that is a little bit of a moot point. No one ever really stops growing, unless you make a very conscious decision to close your mind.
Career
The year started in yet another new job but instead of shorter term contracts I am gainfully and ‘permanently’ employed till I am not. It was a new environment that was riddled with a lack of structure and resources. I won’t lie and say that it has been an easy year career wise. I have been highly stressed at key points in the cycle and woefully acknowledge that I am underpaid for doing work that is way beyond my job description.
However, complaining never gets one anywhere – especially when you are at the workplace. So I’ve really just put my head down and got things done as much as possible. There is no time for whining at work. Might be a different story at home but professionalism bodes well in office. Having to do so much in such little time means a huge learning curve and in that way I have been lucky. Having no assistance meant you needed to be your own manager, as well as defacto manager to other staff. This required the utilisation of some intelligence to get through and around things. Having no experienced staff in the team meant that you needed to flex your muscles of persuasion to change some old and dare I say stuck-in-the-mud ways. At the same time, it was important be humble enough to admit when you make mistakes … inevitably when you are overworked and understaffed there are mistakes. This year has also brought me closer to the midst of office politics than ever before. I have for most of my working life, managed to stay away from politics and despite a few close calls this year I have chosen to stay on the sidelines – it is just not my style and yes, it looks even uglier than ever close up. Pointless and poisonous.
So this year has been an amazing year for gaining independence with my work. Keeping one’s ego aside means staying out of trouble. Staying out of trouble means you have more time to get your work done. Getting your work done whilst the rest of the workplace is in chaos means that eventually it is appreciated. I didn’t have to do a lot of things that I did this year, or swallow all that frustration for what they are paying me. But riding out the bad waves now means that I can look forward to some sort of a promotion next year. They are fighting hard to make promote me beyond a level, but whether that actually happens or not due to rigid bureaucracy remains to be seen.
At the end of the day, I am thankful to have a secure and permanent job that more than feeds and clothes me. Especially in a year where the worldwide economy is uncertain and there are many others in financial distress who haven’t been as fortunate.
Home
This brings me to the next big phase in my life, a phase I had both dreaded and dreamt of for a long time. Owning my own place. It started as a nagging piece of advice from the folks at the end of last year to becoming a reality this year. My 30th year and a house. Wow. Not sure why being 30 has to have anything to do with it but it almost feels like I should get over myself and move forward – there are more exciting things in life like … interior decoration. Or something like that.
Anyway, most of my weekends this year were spent at housing opens or attending auctions. The process has been all over the place, with plans changing from week to week. Budgeting, negotiating … being disheartened, being hopeful. From being a single home owner to being a co-home owner. From borrowing more to borrowing less. From deciding to live in one suburb to the next. Oily real estate agents and money grabbing banks. Screaming arguments were common especially whilst getting lost driving around unfamiliar streets. All this has only served to make me more familiar with Melbourne than I have managed to in most of time here. Wow, it has been almost 11 years in total. Can you believe that? I can’t. And now there is a house.
I dreaded growing up. I dreaded being a boring mortgage person. I dreaded taking my folks’ advice … and I have always dreaded the fact that they might actually be right. But maybe they are with this one. And maybe I don’t have to be a boring mortgage person. There is life to be had outside of a mortgage – did I say interior decoration amongst other things? I mustn’t have because that would be totally lame.
Yes I dreaded being lame. But you know what, in reality I am actually enjoying it. It feels like once I have something to call my own, the next phase has begun and I sure as hell am looking forward to it.
Whilst this may seem boring to some … I’ve realised that what’s important is that I am not bored. And that’s all it really boils down to anyway.
Writing the word ‘boil’ brings me to the next section of my reflection.
Love and other emotions
I have had many people say this about me and this year has been no exception – that I seem unflappable, cold and distant. Sometimes in others’ fits of anger I’ve been accused to be “not human”. In the rather neutral gear that I am in now, this all seems kind of funny.
In all honesty, a lot of the times when I am ‘disconnected’ with the outside world, it is because I am extremely connected with my internal world. Attention is an important thing I have taught myself in the last few years. And the meaning of attention itself is literal. It can only be in one place at a time.
This has also been a difficult year for me emotionally. When has it never been for you, some people may ask. True that there have been situations in the year that involved total emotional anarchy but there is another place for all that and it’s not here. However, I think I am at this stage where I am not afraid to admit that this is an area with which I struggle with most. Hence why I am learning by necessity to pay some attention to my own feelings and what they may be trying to tell me. I may not be doing this in quite the right way but as with everything, it is a journey and I know I need to walk by myself before I can walk with others. The roads are never straight but they do meander and there are always cross junctions along the way. A wise person said to me this year but not in so many words – that the difficulties that awakens within you, it is a calling of your soul, to say hey … here I am. Here I am indeed.
I am grateful to be surrounded by people who love me though it breaks my heart that I can’t be with some of them most of the time, especially my immediate family. I miss them more than I can say but you cannot have everything in life. Choices are inevitable and sometimes selfish yet not one choice is ever better than the other I suppose. I love you as much as I love myself.
I have indeed come another mile in another year. Suffering is an unavoidable human condition, how we embrace it is … well now that is a lifestyle.
2010
Just yesterday I made a decision to take up a certificate in Holistic Counselling in 2010. Re-entering education has been something I had been turned over in my mind quite a few times in 2009. I know I have been studying most of my life … but never quite the right thing. Perhaps I’m just meant to be a dabbler, dabbling a little here and a little there. Who knows what the purpose of this certificate is, all I know is that I am interested and have been interested most of my life and just not had a chance to make it happen. Perhaps this may lead to a real career change a whole lot later, perhaps not. Whatever it is, this seems like the right time and the right course. I had thought about holistic counselling for a while since it was a natural infusion of my interest in spirituality, self-development, healing and psychology. I had thought that I wasn’t going to start anything with a new mortgage but yesterday this e-mail arrived in my inbox and something pulled at me really hard. I made up my mind in less than 10 minutes and now I couldn’t be more excited.
So 2010 seems like it is shaping up to be a very interesting year. A new house, more study but for the soul this time and I am going to try and save really hard to travel overseas at the end of 2010. I haven’t been anywhere but Singapore this year and my wanderlust has crept slowly and surely upon me again. Foreign landscapes and enticing cultures beckon and I hope I can return their greeting.
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So happy end of 2009 guys! I am flying back to Singapore (yes again) next week to spend Christmas, my birthday and new years with family and friends. I don’t know when I’ll write a lengthy blog entry again but I hope it’ll be sooner than later.
And my gem discovery for the year to end this post on a lighter note: It is much easier to go to the toilet when you are wearing a dress.